you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
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Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
🤣
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
“what that mouth do?” complain
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs