I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
You Might Also Like
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.