Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
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[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
What a chick magnet..
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days