I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
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Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I wish I could veto my bills.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do