If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
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Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I beg your pardon?
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.