My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*