My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
You Might Also Like
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.