If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
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Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
moms in horror movies
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday