Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
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If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
me irl
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes