I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
LMAO.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.