[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
You Might Also Like
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.