The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
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sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.