Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
You Might Also Like
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
(yawn)
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.