Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! đ
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An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Iâm quitting modelling, I need more job security so Iâm going to become a princess.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you âwhere do you see yourself in five years?â, âIâm hoping to have found Bigfoot by thenâ isnât the answer theyâre looking for.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
buying dead houseplants to save time
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
ME: Iâd like to return this
CLERK: Maâam, we donât sell⌠VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
âWhatâs in the box? Whatâs in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?â I shout. âHa ha, just kidding my name is Drew and Iâm your new gynaecologistâ
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
The package says âServes 4â but my dadbod says âchallenge acceptedâ
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Art by Pastelkatto
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry