It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
You Might Also Like
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit