Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’