Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
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An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY