“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
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Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Scream sneezers need love too.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing