Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
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The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I love it all
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.