adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
You Might Also Like
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Sex so good you see dead people.
I’m going to need a moment here.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician