…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”