I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
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Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
They got Raph!
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.