to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
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cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.