ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
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TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Midwest trash talk
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me