Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
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“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
my sentiments exactly
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT