i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
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5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
WTF
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.