“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
LMAO.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
twitter is a journey
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.