On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
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“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.