IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
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my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
c’mon!
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed