Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
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The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now