“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
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I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I WON A HAM TODAY
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.