You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
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Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)