Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
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If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Nigella has gone too far this time.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.