6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
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her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
ok this is my dumbest yet
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody