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[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.