Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
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SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
birds and squirrels envy us
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
road rage
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology