Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking