me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
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doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!