My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
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Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust