*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
the council will decide your fate
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Is this the real life?
Is this just