If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
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Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?