Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
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Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.