Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
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I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.