I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
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wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”