Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
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I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.