do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
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[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Bro what is this
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed