My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I saw nothing
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good