Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
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i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).