“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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three things we don’t talk about
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.