i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
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[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
how long have you had this for?
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.